The Fresh Muffins from the "Muffin Top Rap"

Still in the oven.
Still in the oven.
Muffin Top belly on the right "Owen"
Muffin Top belly on the right "Owen"
Muffin Top belly on the left "Betty".
Muffin Top belly on the left "Betty".

My daughter has a friend at school that is.... different. The kid is sweet, is a little too loud, gets a little too close, says odd things but has a good heart. I have two dear friends who are twins and they said when they were kids, they were the life of the party to their friends, but to their friends parents? Yeah, the twins were work. When I think of the inappropriate stuff I said and did as a kid, good gracious what a piece of work! I was NOT the one who STARTED the fire! 

 
In a nutshell, my daughter's friend is exactly like a character from a Judy Blume book, and quite frankly I loved the characters in Judy Blume books. They were quirky, they could be a pain in the ass, but they meant well.The kid and my 2 daughters all went swimming today ( I took them over to the public pool ) and in the change room my daughter said to me, "I'm glad we asked the kid to come swimming. Kid doesn't get asked to do a lot of things." So do you see all the polite judgement I've written above ? My kind, accepting, patient daughter just schooled me in the most beautiful way....
 
And then someone pooped in the pool and of course my other kid was the one who touched it. 
I'm doing this after the blizzard stops.
I'm doing this after the blizzard stops.

Oh March Break, you are a large mountain and I am a mountain goat. It's Wednesday and all my A plans are already completed....And there's a snowstorm. I knew this was going to happen so we did this yesterday.....

before this arrived.

This Always Happens...

New Friend
New Friend

Okay so the Muffin Top Rap video I did spred like wild fire on the interweb last week because the Today show online posted on their website and then the Hoda and Kathie Lee aired it. Mail Online in the U.K. did an article and it started showing up everywhere and during that time the family did an overnight at Great Wolf Lodge in Niagra Falls from Wed to Thurs. On the day we were going home the girls and Dad were somewhere doing the Magiquest (it's like a wizard scavenger hunt) I was waiting for them to finish in the lobby when I checked my e mail. It was from a U.S. talk show who was interested in having me on the show. Flying me to N.Y. and actually having me on the show ( I don't want to jinx it by mentioning the name but if it happens, I'll post ASAP.) 

 

Now I'm telling this story because in the past when ever anything awesome happens, my husband and/or parents are never around and when I call, I get voice messages.  So I explode.

 

 

Well guess what??? I called Brett (my husband) got voicemail couldn't find them anywhere in the hotel .l I called my parents, got voicemail. I actually said out loud " This always happens!" And this woman (pictured above) looked at me (bad choice, engaging this stranger with eye contact) and I proceeded to tell her about how my entire life if anything exciting happened to me blah, blah, blah... 10 minutes later I tell her about the present email after explaining my entire life of great moments (yawn). She was very nice and quiet because I was nonstop talking and I said "Can I take your pic to prove I spoke to a complete stranger about this?" She was kind enough to do it. Her name is Mel. She actually works in housekeeping at Great Wolf Lodge but was staying there with her daughter and niece and talked to a crazy, very pale chatterbox. Thanks Mel,without you I would've blown up in the lobby with the wolves.  

  

Time Out!

Motherloadtv presents "Time Out!" A Stand Up Comedy Show For Parents By Parents And For People With Parents!
Motherloadtv presents "Time Out!" A Stand Up Comedy Show For Parents By Parents And For People With Parents!
Omygosh!! Saturday's show rocked! I mean, they always do but it was especially fun because I've been hibernating for the past few months with the crazy cold weather. Toronto, Canada is comparable to New York City, so it gets cold, but not Minnesota cold or Chicago snowy except for this year. I swear I was in bed at 9pm and eating anything I could find and was sleepy through out the day. This show happened and I think other folks felt the same because it was packed at The Lazy Daisy Cafe. Sandra Shamas also showed up for the show and she's one of my very favourite comics who really made me want to be more than just a showgirl when I was first starting out in this business of show. After I went to a girlfriend's for a hot tub party. I got home at 2:30pm. This bear is waking for spring!

OHHH. B !

O.B. Tampon that's been in the bottom of your purse for before you first born was birthed? Don't toss it...
O.B. Tampon that's been in the bottom of your purse for before you first born was birthed? Don't toss it...
It makes the best ear plug for the kids swim meet. Remove plastic for best results.
It makes the best ear plug for the kids swim meet. Remove plastic for best results.

He's so 2 dementional...

We told the 7 yr old her celebrity crush was in jail. She screamed like a tea kettles boiled.
We told the 7 yr old her celebrity crush was in jail. She screamed like a tea kettles boiled.

A Waste Of Paper! Thank You!

F#*c$'n Thank You Cards For Kids Birthdays....

 

 

This shit kills me. It's not enough that I pooped out this human on this day. Kid had nothing to do with the creation or delivery of itself. In fact I had to PUSH it out the door! Gets a warm cozy free ride for 10 mutha f'n months (Attention Ladies Making Babies: It ain't 9 months!!!!!) does absolutely nothing and is only required to breathe once it's outta the hole. And for the next 10 to 12 years I'm suppose to organize a party, send out invitations, bake a cake, wrap presents, make goodie bags and host children the same age for 2-3 hrs either at my home or at an overpriced jungle gym? I have to find different venues for at least a decade (God forbid I repeat) and then after that around 11 or 12 years of age money is given to this creature who destroyed my ability to sneeze without out peeing until I die. I'm paying someone who gave me prolaped vagina? But wait! Not only do I do all that, when the party is over I'm expected to send out a dozen thank you cards on behalf of my 7yr old? I feel like the invitation should be an understood Thank You card. "Here, come to my house, make it messy, bounce on my couch even though it's not allowed, have some pizza, cake, a goodie bag and then get the hell out. Thank you for coming! Thank me" As a mom, if I could choose between sending out Thank You cards, or peeing a little on the trampolines at Sky Zone, I’d choose the latter. But unfortunately I can’t choose. And more unfortunately, I’ve done both.

But that’s it. No more Thank You’s. I’m done. Never again!

Thank You.
(DAMN IT!!)

Xmas Memories in 15 min!

She was at most 15 years old
She was at most 15 years old

Well, Happy New Year everyone! These are some of the fun times my family had over the holidays. 

I always get Xmas pictures with Santa on Xmas eve because you never, ever, wait longer than 15 min in a line the day before Xmas. I don't send the shots to anyone I use them to document outfits that will be horribly dated when my children are teenagers. I plan to keep these in a scrapbook labeled " Santa Pics" and use them as evidence to blackmail my girls to get things done. We were second in a line of three families. All three families got pictures taken by yours truly... 

 

This gal looked like she was going clubbing instead of telling Santa what she wanted for Xmas. Mom and Grandma were there watching. It was weird.

The girls wouldn't look the stranger in a costume in the eye when asking for a present. CREEPY!
The girls wouldn't look the stranger in a costume in the eye when asking for a present. CREEPY!

This went super fast!

The "parents acting like human jingle bells to make their frightened children look joyful" dance
The "parents acting like human jingle bells to make their frightened children look joyful" dance

This  photo session process went so smoothly I stayed and watched these parents make fools of themselves to get their children to smile with true love and respect. Nice Work fellow human raisers! 

Merry Xmas Toronto Dec 20 th 2013

This is like watching a toddler at a city run drop in xmas party... except this toddler is in charge of Toronto.

Dec.19th 2013 Elf On The Shelf is an A - hole.

And apparently I'm not the only one who thinks so.

From Scratch.

Well, I made this for dinner last night. Took me only 15 min and the family loves homemade chicken noodle soup.

Homemade chicken noodle soup
Homemade chicken noodle soup

AAaaand... I made this along with the homemade chicken noodle soup and this took me an hour to do. The family hates cleaning up. WTF?

Dec.12th 2013 Xmas Shit Show!

Well folks, it's that time of year again, when parents rush to their children's grade school huddling together in a hot hallway, buying back baked goods they made, from the same parent council volunteers.

 

Yesterday we went to the girls Xmas concert and it was exactly what I expected. HELL.

 

It's way too loud, with too many stressed, tired, parents on the verge of tears or a nervous breakdown who are dedicated to getting a front row seat to witness the brilliance of their offspring (I include myself in the crazy parent paparazzi).

 

I have no problem sitting on the floor for these performances, people stake out for hours for these premium seats, like folks waiting for the next apple product.

 

I was not wearing floor sitting clothing. I had tight, low riding, jeans, 3 inch, mom, black boots and I was trying to cross my legs. 

 

Then 5 minutes before the performance a lovely mom I know from the school yard came and wedged her little self in between myself and a nine year old.

 

She then proceeded to take pictures of her beautiful daughter but I was in her way. That didn't stop her. Look at the following shots below. 

 

I get it. She wants the shots. It's a special time. Here's where she crossed the line. She took her boots off and put them in front of me. Then it hit me. Her vinegar smelling boots/feet.

 

Hold on there's more. She then tucked both her feet under my leg. Her damp stinky feet were on my thigh. I couldn't move because my tight, jean, cross legged position left me paraylzed. Or maybe it was I couldn't believe her sweaty wet socks were on my LEG.

 

I looked over my shoulder and saw a five year old pummling her grandmother. Grannie didn't seem to have a problem. This all happened as silent night was being sung by the choir.

I believe I'm a cat. I died in that gymnasium last night.

 

I only have eight Xmas concerts left in me.

 

Kids Xmas concert 2013  Watch The Camera to the right...
Kids Xmas concert 2013 Watch The Camera to the right...
She's getting closer...
She's getting closer...
She's leaning on me now...
She's leaning on me now...

Oh My Heart!

Bullying

 

My girls had an anti-bullying awareness day last week. They wore pink T-shirts with a mission statement on the back and the school had an assembly to share the importance of the issue. It was recognized all over the city. On the news, in the papers, on the Internet. The problem is, my 6 year old (because she is sooo hypersensitive to the word “bullying”) thinks if a friend is in a crabby mood and is snappy, she’s a bully. If I’m having an argument with my husband and my voice begins to rise, she says, “You’re a bully.” It feels like we are setting our kids up a bit, to cry wolf. Then when we explain that being in a bad mood is not bullying, or raising your voice is not bullying, they start second-guessing what could actually qualify. Confusing when adults try to explain what qualifies and what doesn’t. And sometimes it's even tricky for US to understand. Are we putting more focus is on the word than the definition?

 

I’ve also seen the odd teacher behave in a manner that is not kind towards the children, and parents that could go under the umbrella of “bullying” in settings where children are around. Sometimes it’s subtle and sometimes it’s brazenly out in the open. I have been shot down by a teacher, spoken to like I was a child and realized, “If this person speaks to me like this as an adult/parent, this person is addressing his/her students the same way and leading by example.” 

 

You’ve heard about hockey parents fist fighting in the stands, screaming at each other and other children. There’s a T.V. show that has a dance teacher saying horrible and cruel things to parents and students and this behaviour is encouraged for the sake of the success of the show. And the behavior has spun off into other job opportunities for the mean teacher.

 

Instead of making a big deal once or twice a year, what if every day over the morning announcements a mission statement was conveyed. Like the Lord’s Prayer. Remember that????? I'm not saying I have the answer but if everyday was dedicated to the pursuit of kindness and unity instead of a buzzword and media coverage, we might just get through challenges and make a difference in our children’s lives and our own. Let’s train to be communicators, problem solvers, supporters of mankind. Tools and training. That’s what we want. When do we want it everyday at every moment not just at an assembly twice a year. 

 

This is my Motherload.

 

 

So instead of posting parents, coaches, teachers behaving outrageously, I'm posting this. This is hope.

Selfie.

A Selfie with a photo bomb with a photobomb
A Selfie with a photo bomb with a photobomb
The guilted volunteer school trip with Perry
The guilted volunteer school trip with Perry

Self Inflicted School Trip.

Lunch with kids and that secret agent on the damn case.
Lunch with kids and that secret agent on the damn case.
The RWF has Meat Cheese and a LCBO.
The RWF has Meat Cheese and a LCBO.

November 18, 2013

I adore my daughter, so before I start my rant let’s get that out of the way. We drive each other crazy sometimes but the love is always there even under the whining and yelling.

She did the “I don’t know you” to me one morning when I was taking her and her sister to school. It was the first time she pulled it. I knew the day was coming, I was aware of it before I had kids but it still made an impact. It went a little something like this…
 
(She runs off to walk with her taller, older friend barely able to keep up. Which bugged me because the taller, older kid is trying to catch up with someone taller and older than her, not my beautiful amazing human being of a daughter. I know Tall Girl’s number, and she knows I know her number because she glances at me to see when she can brush my kid off. ) 
 
“Do you wanna come with me to the office?" I ask casually, hoping to get a yes.
“No.” is her response, with not even a glance in my direction.
“Are you sure?” I say, thinking maybe I didn’t hear her right. 
“Yes”. she says over her shoulder, still no eye contact.
 
And there it was. The “I don’t know you” non-look blow off.
 
It hurt a little. I wished she had picked a better candidate to ignore my existence for. She only wanted to hang with Tall Girl because Tall Girl doesn’t give her the time of day. Following in her mother ’s footsteps. I could have a million friends in grade school but I needed the mean kid to like me.
So I watched her go off looking like this independent human who was finished with her mother forever when I thought in my head I could yell out, “See you tonight at around 8:30 when you’re climbing into my bed like you do every night to snuggle because you love your mommy.” 
But I didn’t because Tall Girl would have used that against my beautiful, amazing, funny, charming, loving, gives-her-mom-the-shaft, girl.
 
This is my Motherload.

Sleeping with my eyes open at some school thing.